Few months in the mist, part 1

It’s been a long while since I have written on my blog. I suppose you could say I got caught up in life, but I think life took over for a while and I learned a bit about myself. Probably should start where I left off . . .

I had been having issues with self-confidence and my ability to code. I do love coding and enjoy it immensely, but going from a job where I was the “go-to” person for everyone to a job that I have no actual background in is a bit on the difficult side. Might not have been too bad if I had still had a job and the structure that I like to work in, but working from home without an obvious structure or project to work on made it more difficult. I have always been good with computers, but this is on a completely different level of knowledge. I think my perfectionist personality is probably part of the problem. I know I can create a website with no problem, but I did not think it was good enough. So I have deleted many things I have created because I was not happy with it and did not believe anyone would like it (like many projects from my GitHub acct). However . . .

Back in March I decided I needed to come off one of my medications that I had been taking since I was working in commercial insurance underwriting. I was always stressed out there, so my doctor had put me on Wellbutrin XL and it took the edge off. I figured I was not working there anymore and the medicine was no longer needed. However I started having other issues that I noticed were similar to my daughter’s ADD symptoms. Such as being oblivious to everything around me, seemingly self-absorbed (more trying to remember things), irritated easily, etc.

So the research began . . . Digging for information is something I do very well after working in insurance underwriting for 14+ years. I found out sometimes Wellbutrin XL is used to treat ADD and it was treating symptoms I did not know I had. I always had a job which I focused my energy completely into and that was a coping mechanism that I developed earlier in life to deal with the ADD I did not know I had. However one of the wake up moments was me driving through a red light and not realizing it until I was halfway through. Not a good way to realize there is a problem, but luckily it had just changed and no one had started through the intersection yet. Thank God! The other was when I was introducing two friends to each other that I had known for a long while and I forgot one of their names. I was so embarrassed, but fortunately that friend picked up and introduced himself. At that moment I was worried that maybe I was developing one of the serious mental diseases (like Parkinson’s). Not a nice idea to contemplate. Thank goodness it turned out to be ADD which can be treated and controlled.

Those just two examples of many symptoms of ADD that I discovered I had and was completely unaware. On that note, it is also interesting to know that women and girls tend to be diagnosed with anxiety/depression when they do have ADD and it is hereditary.

But many people associate ADD, AD/HD as hyperactive and affects only men and boys. But that is only associated with the most obvious of three different subtypes of AD/HD (more detail on those in next post). It is thought that girls tend to try harder than boys to compensate and cover up symptoms. Believing this is the reason why they are more likely to be overlooked for being diagnosed with AD/HD. Many women come to suspect that the have ADD after struggling for years to balance the responsibilities of a job, home and child rearing, or seeing a report on ADD in the media or after a child of theirs has been diagnosed.

“The pressure on women to be organized, self-controlled, to be the one who’s keeping everybody else organized, is a societal expectation that’s very deeply ingrained,” she says. “Women feel very much a failure if they can’t keep their house in order. There is a tremendous toll of having to keep up appearances, struggling, having embarrassing moments. Things like, ‘I forgot to pick my kids up after soccer practice, and they were the only ones left standing out there.’ It’s a very public failure, and women are often not forgiven for these types of things. With a man, they’ll say, ‘Oh he’s so busy, of course he forgot.'”

Quinn agrees, adding that the very fact that a woman senses that she is “different” from her peers is often difficult to bear.

“She develops anxiety, demoralization, low self-esteem, and looks depressed,” says Quinn. “So she’s painfully aware. She really does suffer, but she suffers silently.”

(Reference: http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/740.html)

I happen to have the “inattentive” subtype (with a couple of the Hyperactive-Impulsive symptoms). This tends to be an under diagnosed disorder, but more for adults as many of us never knew we had it growing up and our brains found coping mechanisms to deal with it (not always good ways to deal with it as you can see from above).

To be continued . . .

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